With Holidays dogged by unyielding recession, a fat man is here to relieve your depression. He’s round and he’s jolly and brings you good cheer and he’s pulling in 12mil in ad rev each year.
He doesn’t make toys, that would not be sufficient- the labor is costly, the elves inefficient. Insurance and unions and tight labor laws were not in the favor of dear Santa Claus.
The industrial age was a time of good news, with lots of cheap labor to make low-cost shoes. And it wasn’t a hitch to replace slowpoke elves who stood far too near shaky overstocked shelves.
But soon Santa found himself in quite a bungle when the elves started reading and quoting “The Jungle”. The picketing munchkins went on quite a romp for limited workdays and good workers’ comp. But dear old Saint Nick gave the deer’s reins a tug, pulled out some scotch and the book Atlas Shrug. He said “I’ve been doing this all the wrong way, there’s really no profit to filling my sleigh”.
So with a bright twinkle he chugged down a drink, and wrote down a plan in his red and green ink. And after he planned it, he took off his boots, his hat and the tinsel and bought some new suits. A real fancy number that’s all tailor made, then grinned and said “now Santa’s gonna get paid”.
He sold all the toys (marked up nicely of course) to Sears, and to Wal-Mart, and FAO Schwartz. And then Mr. Claus very lovingly sent a bill to each elf for a century’s rent. And once he expelled all those freeloading dwarves he sold them to China to make hats and scarves.
The North Pole was empty, the workshop was still except for one office on Candy Cane Hill where Santa was meeting with men of great standing to discuss the matter of corporate rebranding.
Now “Dasher’s a good solid brand” the men said “for selling new cars that are shiny and red”. “And Cupid and Vixen I’m willing to say would be good types of reindeer to pitch lingerie”. “Comet sells cleaner and Blitzen and Donder can sell high end ice-cream but now we must ponder... for Prancer… well Prancer would do very well as celebrity spokesman for “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
And Rudolph, oh Rudolph with nose bright and red, will be stuffed and preserved, sir, right next to your sled”
Now Santa was clapping and said with great zeal “and I will sell ‘Santa’s Good Housekeeping Seal’ a wholesome endorsement that parents can trust (for a sizeable fee or this deal is a bust). Or better yet in each impressionable ear I’ll whisper the brand names that they should hold dear ‘On Xbox, on Ipod, on Nike, and Gap on Crocs and Nintendo, and “bling bling” based rap, and designer cell phone and acrumb and fitch’, each parent who buys one will make me quite rich.
And as for each child who isn’t quite good, I’ll tell mom and pop that they’re misunderstood and kindly suggest that the tot on my knee that fusses and fidgets has ADHD. And if you’ll admit (and I’m sure that you will) that Cindy Lou Who needs a slow-me-down pill I’ll kindly deliver the pills by the batch, along with new shoes and a nicotine patch.”
“And Pop, if you suffer from holiday stress it may end up making you very depressed. And mamma in her kerchief should watch my new show on crow’s feet and wrinkles and mom 2.0.”
‘On Botox, on ritlan, on Zoloft on schnapps, on therapy sessions for mom and for pops. If there’s so many cures that you just want to snap, well never you worry there’s an ap for that’.”
But on one cloudy evening the old Saint’s dividends began to experience bad downward trends.
Poor Santa was shaking for all the bad news as Frosty and friends exchanged blank IOU’s. But nevertheless on the evening report, Santa proudly proclaimed that we’re not falling short. “All of this foul hubbub’s a communist plot to make all think we’ve got less than we got”
“We can sell all this debt, that will do in a pinch” so he made his proposal to Scrooge and the Grinch. But both of these fellows were shrewd and astute and after awhile gave Santa the boot.
Then Santa cried out with a shriek and a wail. You can’t let this happen, I’m too big to fail If I’m going down, then you’re going down too. Then who will sell Ritlan to Cindy Loo Who?” YES, If Santa Claus suddenly took a great fall it would read fiscal doom for them one and them all.
And where there was resentment- and there would be tons, he’d cry revolution and pitch gold and guns. He’d distract them with fears of a socialist elf who preaches for redistribution of wealth.
Now before you all wander away from this tale, there one final piece once last closing detail. For Santa and all of his minions today now work for the prez of the US of A . They’re on a committee against corporate greed and will gladly provide all the help that we need and if that doesn’t work friend, well Santa’s no quitter you can read all his postings on Facebook and Twitter.